Unfortunately, we will always remember this day, and it's NOT for the reason that we want to. This was a sad, sad day that we never saw coming.
Within seconds of the ultrasound technician placing the wand on my stomach, I knew something was wrong. It didn't look right. I was initially confused for the first couple seconds, because I couldn't tell what sort of view or angle that we were looking at. By the third and fourth seconds, I knew what the problem was. There was no movement, and particularly, no intermittent fluttering of a heartbeat. My heart dropped into my stomach with the most sickening, shocking feeling I have ever experienced. :(
I looked up at the technician's face, and I could tell that in that moment, he officially realized this too. Then he told us the news. I didn't allow myself to look up at the screen any longer, even though that image had already been forever engraved in my mind.
We were in shock. A punch to the gut. So indescribable. We thought that after the 13 week ultrasound, we were in the clear. This outcome had literally never crossed my mind. There had been no signs or symptoms of any concern!?!
We talked with our doctor, and she said that the measurements indicated that this may have happened a couple weeks ago, and I would need surgery right away in order to avoid complications. There was no convincing needed. I wanted it out now. From that moment on, the next hour was a blur with meeting the surgeon, details of the next steps, and prepping for the procedure.
The following morning, we got to the hospital around 11. Within our hour wait, there was not much opportunity for optimism. Within seconds of finding a seat after signing in, we saw a couple leaving with their newborn baby. I was bitter. Then, we were called over to the billing area so that we could learn that it costs just as much to have all this done than to have a real baby. And finally, we were called into the pre-op room, to learn that there was more than just a small risk of complications and those included hysterectomy and becoming infertile. About this time, I began cramping and bleeding pretty bad through my gown and onto the bed. This morning sucked.
In some of those roughest moments, David showed me this picture of Nico that I had on my phone background to remind me what we DO have! And man, I couldn't help but smile everytime. David was so strong for me.
12:15 rolled around, and it was game time. Let's get this over with! My final words to Dr. Lockey were how badly I wanted to be able to have another child. I had to know that she knew that. I remember waking after surgery, and in my foggy state, I immediately asked if I would be able to. Her answer was a HUGE relief! She later told us that there was no observable explanation for what might have happened, which I consider to be not such a bad thing.
I had to stay overnight in the hospital due to some blood work being off. I initially was so disappointed by that unexpected news, but the night turned out to be one that I am very thankful for. (Lesson to be learned there...) In my emotional and rock bottom state, my perspective on life was forever changed. My faith in the big man upstairs was also renewed. I knew that I was going to be okay.
God had a sense of humor and gave me a night nurse with the same name as what we had chosen for a girl. I do not consider myself to be very religious, but I believe that that was a message from him. It was a sign of reassurance that everything was going to be alright and to just believe that he has a plan for our lives.
See, I had generally been getting too impatient and uptight for some time now, and I knew it. But after something like this happens to you, you can't help but acquire a new perspective and a grateful heart. As I write this a couple months after the fact, I can say that I am a better person. I am more patient and appreciate of all of the good around me, and I am especially as grateful as I can be for the healthy, little boy that we are so fortunate to know.
I am not sure that we could have handled this any better. (Well, maybe the alcohol consumption was higher than ideal!...) I am proud of David and I. We can't help but see this from a positive point of view that, as cliché as it sounds, it happened for a reason. There had to have been something wrong with our baby, and we were saved from something that would have been more heartbreaking to handle down the road. We are truly thankful.
Here is a good image that we have, dated back to the 13 week ultrasound.
See you one day, little one.
